can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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