non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
