You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
