I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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