i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
