paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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