peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.