SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"