Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.