every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
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I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
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For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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