I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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