What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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