Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
