I need help removing her.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
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If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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