his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When did angry sex become our thing?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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