i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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