A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
