Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Randomize
