I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
