I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
