so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
