there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
