in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
