I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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