Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
