They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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