The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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