I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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