Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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