Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
