Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
