I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
