Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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