the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
