I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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