She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
