did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
