is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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