I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
