How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
