I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
