There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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