I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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