Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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