Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
