ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
