I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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