so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
