I just saw a hot homeless man
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
