I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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