I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
