so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
