Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
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Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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