He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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