Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
