Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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