If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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