The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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