Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
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it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
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EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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