My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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