I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
